Rarely Asked Questions

Q: What tunes do you hum aimlessly to yourself when you’re thinking about something?
A: Whatever the iPod in my brain is playing. Common choices include “Numa Numa Yay” by that Romanian group, “The Sweetest Thing” by U2, “Tom’s Diner” by Suzanne Vega, “Silver Bells” by people who sing too many Christmas carols, and the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song (a show I have never actually seen). These aren’t necessarily my favorite songs–they’re just the ones that get stuck in my head.

Q: Are you allergic to anything?
A: Yes, I’m very allergic to red food dyes. It’s an uncommon (though not unique) allergy. I don’t know which dye, but I think it’s #40 and possibly #3. On principle, I avoid them all. It’s not the worst allergy to have; it’s mostly avoidable. I get really annoyed when medicines are coated in red dye, because that’s harder to get around (and it’s an inactive ingredient anyway!)

Q: Why does a third of the world live in extreme poverty, on less than a dollar a day?
A: I don’t know all the reasons, but I wish more people were asking this question.

Q: Do you think that aspiring writers should learn good dental hygiene at a young age, and practice it faithfully through their adult lives, in order to spare themselves expensive medical bills later when they may have little or no insurance?
A: Why, yes. Yes, I do. Thanks for asking!

Q: What’s the trick to defeating the Waterwraith in the bottom level of the Submerged Castle in Pikmin 2?
A: Transform your blue Pikmin into purple ones. Then just whale on the guy until he explodes and vanishes. It helps if you’re standing directly underneath him when you fight.

Q: What should the name of the Crayola crayon called “Tumbleweed” have been?
A: Puppy Love, dammit! My name was totally better than the contest winner. Hmmph.

Q: Just how good are you at Tetris?
A: Let’s put it this way: in my younger days, I played a single game for about two hours. I broke the scoring system; it couldn’t go higher than a certain number.

Q: What’s the deal with Arkham Horror?
A: Arkham Horror is this completely awesome board game that’s fully cooperative. It’s you–all the players–against the mean scary board, which is trying to kill you. It’s got complex strategies, lots of supplements, and great variety. No two games are ever the same. It’s my favorite board game.

Q: If I gave you $20, what would you do with it?
A: Try it and find out! In reality, I’d probably save it towards something I needed. But if you made me spend it, I’d probably buy sushi.

Q: What should I ask you about that I don’t already know?
A: Probably my jello-wrestling skills. Five times undefeated, thank you very much.

Q: Have you ever encountered your boss stripping at a lesbian club?
A: Yes.

Q: Have you ever sung back-up for Barry Manilow?
A: Yes.

Q: Was it you that hung this winged carrot on my front door?
A: Probably. Was that in 1995? If so, then yes.

Q: Who is your spirit Pokemon?
A: Pinkie Pie.

Q: What’s your crappy superpower?
A: I am Vylar, destroyer of zippers.

Q: You’ve just encountered the world’s largest marshmallow! What do you do first: jump on it, or nom on it?
A: Jump up up down down left right left right B A nom!

Q: Which Star Trek captain would you pick as your partner in a 3-legged race through a moat full of bears?
A: The bear? Is one of them the bear? The bear. Uh, he was captain in that one episode.

Q: Have you ever written anything in a dream? Did it star Idris Elba?
A: So, this one time Heimdall [CENSORED for the sensitive]

Q: Did you ever consider writing under a male pen name?
A: Vylar is actually a male name. So, no.

Q: If Facebook were no more, would we have as much hate in the world?
A: No, because all the hate for Facebook would be gone.

Q: Why did you eat all the mustard?
A: I… No. I did not do this. Mustard is a foul substance which doesn’t even taste like food. Mustard shrivels my tentacles. I believe you are looking for my husband Shannon, who is a mustard fiend that prowls the night.

Q: How do I move?
A: Are you a little triangle? Because if you’re a little triangle, you’re playing Ingress, and you just have to walk around. If you’re not a little triangle, are you a turtle? If so, you should follow directions to GO Forward, TURN 90, and so on. For everyone else, I recommend moving your feet, wheels, cane, walker, tripod, pseudopods, or whatever you’ve got Down There that isn’t for breeding purposes.

Q: What made you start writing?
A: My inability to draw exactly what I imagined in my head. At least when I pressed the Q key, I got a Q like I intended!

Q: Who has been inspirational to you?
A: My monsters and my pony. Not dying until I’ve done stuff.

Q: Do you have a sweet spot within which your art flows more freely? You know, like a Power Ranger, except “AUTHOR MODE, ACTIVATE!!”
A: ANSWER MODE, ACTIVATE!